I don’t know if this site is going to continue. I mean, I’m going to leave it up, but I don’t know if I will be posting anything more either here or on the story sites.
I am so very tired and so very worn down by life and by the walls I keep encountering whenever I try to do something that might survive my pathetic attempt at life. I do not have any kind of stick-to-it-tiveness and the fear of doing or saying or writing something wrong is overwhelming. I am tired of being in constant pain – both physical and emotional.
I am tired of being not pretty and not smart and generally in the way. I deluded myself for many years that I might matter to some people, but when I look at things in the cold light of reality I know that is just a shadow dream.
I am not actively suicidal, but I would not move out of the way of a car that was barreling towards me. I am out of fight and ready to go down for the count. I am so very tired of emulating Sysiphus and am ready to let the boulder squash me flat.
Maybe in my next life I can be pretty and smart.
